This is an important subject — especially today. Young people (and older
folks, too) are bombarded with the world's (Satan's) standards of
morality, or immorality. The values and moral standards which were
endorsed by most Americans in years past are now ridiculed and/or
ignored by many. Teaching on sexual purity before and after marriage is
no longer held before young people as a law of God nor even an ideal
goal to strive for. So-called sexual freedom is flaunted as the norm
among teenagers and adults and often those are ridiculed who expect and
encourage young people to remain virgins until marriage. God's law is
plain:
"Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body;
but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body" (I
Corinthians
6:18).
God, our Creator, knows our needs and what is best for us, his creation.
He is not a cosmic killjoy. Behind each negative Bible command are two
positive principles. One is to protect us, the other is to provide for
us. God has "good" planned for us and does not want us to do something
that will bring pain to us and to others. To illustrate this, consider
an Owner's Manual that comes with an automobile. I may want to change
the oil once a year. That takes less time, and would seem to cost less.
But the O.M. says to change the oil every 5,000 miles. Now, if I have
good sense, I understand that the manufacturer knows better how to care
for it than I do. Following their advice will save me much grief and
expense. And we have also come with an Owner's Manual — the Bible. It
may seem good to enjoy the pleasure of sex before marriage, but the
"Owner's Manual" disagrees. So, whose judgment should we consider — ours
or God's? God's motivation in dealing with us is love.
"God is love" (I John
4:16).
He is the author of love, and he knows all about it. God is not
anti-sex. He created sex and said it was good, but he gave rules with
it. Rules in any realm are to protect us and give us freedom to enjoy
the activity we are engaging in — whether it be sports or whatever. Can
you imagine a ball game without rules, where everyone does just what
they want to do? We have one basic rule from God with reference to
sexual activity. That is, "Wait until marriage."
Look at God's design and plan for our happiness. When we have faith in a
powerful and all-wise God, we obey without always understanding the
reason behind the command. But in this area of sexual conduct, God has
provided evidence that his way is best in words and principles taught
throughout the Bible.
Consider four areas of life that will be greatly affected by our choices
of sexual behavior. Look first at the effects of unchastity, so that we
can know how to deal with these consequences. There are physical,
spiritual, emotional, and relational effects of an immoral life-style.
PHYSICAL EFFECTS
We saw in I Corinthians
6:18
that sex before marriage is a sin against the body. Sinning against the
body means losing respect for your body, as well as the body of the one
you are involved with. Once respect is lost, it becomes easier to
indulge in promiscuous sex. Losing respect then leads to a warped view
of love and centers the definition of love around the physical. The
emotional needs which God created are not met in casual sex but in the
loving commitment of a mate. Only in marriage is it possible for sexual
relationships to reaffirm the dignity and uniqueness of each sex
partner. Sex combined with love in marriage makes us want to give to our
mate — not take. Waiting as God commands gives peace of mind which
affects our physical health. We don't experience the stress of worrying
about unwanted pregnancies, or Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) that
could kill or cripple us or our children. Now, of course, the "safe sex"
campaign across our country fools many into a false peace of mind. Birth
control methods are sometimes unreliable, and the high rate of failure
for condoms is not understood among many teens. At best, among those who
are sexually active, 1 in 6 condoms will fail, and at worst 1 in 3.
That's the same or worse odds as in Russian Roulette, which is a pretty
stupid game. And of course the pill offers no protection whatsoever
against STDs.
Fifty years ago, teens were warned about two STDs (called "venereal
diseases" then): syphilis and gonorrhea. What has our newfound sexual
freedom brought? There are now over 50 STDs, and AIDS is not the only
one that kills. And others can cripple and/or make life miserable.
(Herpes is not a picnic.) Some cause birth defects that pass a parent's
foolish decision on to an innocent child. Furthermore, that sperm that
causes pregnancy can get through a tiny tear or pinhole in a condom. But
the virus that causes AIDS is up to 300 to 400 times smaller than the
sperm. So what does that same tear or hole look like to the AIDS virus?
It looks like a train tunnel! Dr. Koop, former U.S. Surgeon General,
doubts that there will ever be an AIDS cure. It is a virus, and we have
never cured any virus, not even the common cold. And do you know about
cervical cancer, a disease that is proven to be more prevalent among
sexually active teenage girls?
SPIRITUAL EFFECTS
God blesses purity.
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God" (Matthew
5:8).
"Watch your heart with all diligence, for from it spring the issues of
life" (Proverbs
4:23).
We are to be "wise in what is good and innocent in what is evil"
(Romans
16:19).
"Abstain from sexual immorality...God has called us for purity" (I
Thessalonians 4:3-5,7).
Clearly God's word forbids any type of sex outside of marriage. There
are spiritual consequences any time we disobey God.
"God will judge fornicators and adulterers" (Hebrews 13:4).
Sexual sins brought destruction to
Sodom
and Gomorrah in Genesis 19. Many Bible characters committed
sexual sins and were judged by God. Great trouble and grief came to Lot
and his daughters, to Shechem,
Reuben,
Judah and Tamar, Samson, and David. Judgment from God may be immediate
as in the death of David's son or come in future consequences we will
face. Medical science may eliminate or lessen some consequences of my
sin, but it cannot remove my accountability before God. Sin separates us
from God (Isaiah 59:1-2; Hosea 5:6). It causes us to be a bad
influence on others, both Christians and non-Christians. Sexual purity
is a way to show respect for others and to confirm their dignity as
human beings. It is impossible to show someone the love of God while
engaging in immorality with that person. When we maintain sexual purity,
we can be channels of God's love and can accurately represent him to
others.
Patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and "against such there is no law"
(Galatians
5:23).
Waiting for something builds excitement, as in waiting for a birthday.
Sex is something we wait our whole life for until we finally partake of
it. A godly character results from patience and perseverance. When we
wait for sex till the proper time and place, our character is developed
and self-esteem is built. We develop self-control which is required to
live a godly life. Waiting builds trust, and God's plan is for marriage
to be built on a basic trust factor. Sexual involvement almost always
wipes out trust in a relationship. In surveys conducted, it is found
that "sexual intimacy produces more broken relationships than
strengthened ones."
EMOTIONAL EFFECTS
God's plan gives protection from being put on a performance basis. When
put on a performance basis with another person, one is accepted only if
he or she acts or does something the way the other person wants. They
are respected not for who they are, but for what they do. Their value
and dignity is lost. A boy says, "I love you if you will have sex with
me" or "because you are pretty," rather than "I love you." That is
conditional love, and is worthless for building a committed
relationship. Without the committed bonds of marriage, sex is inherently
a selfish act done for personal satisfaction or gain. We must continue
to please for the relationship to continue and that leaves one in a
constant state of insecurity. God protects us from being put on a
performance basis by reserving sex for the commitment of marriage. Are
you aware of the various studies that show that sexual satisfaction is
much greater in marriage than in uncommitted relationships? Why is it
this way? Could it be that God knew what he was doing when he created
us, and ordained the marriage relationship as the place for fulfillment?
The emotional baggage that often comes with premarital sex includes
sexual dysfunctions in marriage. Many end up in counseling or therapy to
deal with problems related to "teenage" sex. Studies have shown that
premarital sex also increases the rate of cheating after marriage. Teens
don't know that when they are young, but God knew it when he gave the
rules in his "Owner's Manual."
Guilt is another consequence of violating God's standard of chastity
until marriage. This has long-term effects on future relationships in
marriage, and may haunt and affect a person longer than any other
consequence. To have the sex act linked with guilt in one's emotions
because of premarital activity, causes the joy intended by God for
husband and wife to be robbed and clouded. For example, a couple I know
has been married over 50 years, and sex has never had any meaning for
her. Premarital sex did its damage. Guilt is an awareness of having
transgressed a standard of right and wrong. Or it may be just a
lingering doubt of thinking that some act was wrong. Our society is
plagued by those two kinds of guilt. The first is a moral guilt, which
Christians are subject to, which tells us specifically when we have
stepped outside God's boundaries of conduct. It is a conscious awareness
of specific transgressions. The other kind of guilt might be called a
floating sense of guilt. One psychologist says "It is indeed amazing
that in a fundamentally irreligious culture as ours, the sense of guilt
should be so widespread and deep-rooted as it is." This floating guilt
he spoke of comes from a society that says there is no absolute right
and wrong. Rather than producing freedom as many claim they are seeking,
such are in a constant turmoil. "Are these things I'm doing right or
wrong?" These people have no standard, therefore no direction in their
lives and are constantly adrift. Yes, they are free — as free as a ship
at sea without a rudder. Christians have the Bible which gives direction
and guidance to lives and tells of God's character. (Illustration: A
farmer was asked which was better — raising cattle on open grazing land,
in a pasture, or in a corral. His reply was, "Well, on open grazing land
they are always subject to attack from wild animals or they could wander
off and be lost. In a corral they are safe, but somebody has to take
care of them. In a fenced pasture, the cattle have everything they need.
They are protected, yet have the freedom to graze.")
The Bible defines our pasture. God has placed intelligent boundaries
around us to keep us "home" and to keep away those who would prey on us,
yet within those boundaries we have freedom to make choices. Deep down,
young people want boundaries. We have seen those who had no rules, no
curfews, who could make all their own decisions, but who wanted some
guidance.
God has set marriage as the proper place for sex. We are protected
within this boundary. Husbands and wives don't have to be concerned with
catching diseases; they are unselfish and open in expressing their
sexual needs to one another. They can plan for the family they want and
when children come, they are counted as blessings from God, not
reminders of a grave mistake. Again, God protects us from shame and
guilt, and gives us joy in the sexual union of marriage.
Misleading feelings is another emotional effect of fornication. This
often comes from confusion between sex and love. Sex outside of marriage
turns the relationship upside down and mixes emotions to the point of
misinterpreting feelings. When we mix sex and love, we confuse the
concepts of giving and taking. Personal selfish reasons cause premarital
sex to take, but sometimes the taking may be confused as giving. A girl
gives in to have the security the boy provides, or maybe the popularity
achieved in being "his" girlfriend. Many times young people are misled
by these emotions and think they really are "in love." The sex is so
powerful that it creates a strong emotional bond often when there is
little in common and little basis for a lasting relationship. Those
mixed up feelings are destructive in a dating relationship and can have
tragic consequences if the relationship progresses to marriage. God's
plan protects us from the devastating effects those confused emotions
bring. Sex does not constitute love. As Christians, we are to develop
agape love, the kind God has for us that gives with no expectation of
getting something in return. The I Corinthians 13 model of love
does not describe emotional feelings, but rather acts of the will. Love
is primarily an act of the will, but has tremendous emotional overtones
because it has to do with how we relate to people. Our actions of love
are tied to our emotions because relationships naturally have emotional
bonds. Likewise sex has a powerful emotional aspect because God meant
for it to be a joining of soul and mind as well as a physical union.
That involves the moral conscience which can inflict pain after the
physical pleasure is gone, unless the two have become one in marriage.
Marital sex is a model of God's provision to draw us closer to one
another and to him.
The hardship of breaking off the relationship is another consequence.
The pain that comes when one breaks up with a sexual partner is often an
emotionally terrible tearing apart. Even when a couple realizes that
fornication is sinful, they may try to find ways to justify the
relationship because of the emotional bond formed between them. Sex
forms a bond that exists when the rest of the relationship is bad. We
see evidence of that when a girl stays with a partner who physically
abuses her, and who often treats her like dirt.
Then there is the effect of psychological and emotional distress that
comes. Premarital sex has a serious adverse effect on the self image of
the partners. Rather than joy, an emotionally crippling guilt seems to
be the companion of permissive sex. Sex is such a definite experience
that a part of each of us remains forever a part of the other. The
effects of this "casual investment" on the mind and emotions is far
reaching. Humiliation and a poor self image come to many after sleeping
with a person who never calls back or breaks off the relationship.
"Let marriage be held in honor...and let the bed be undefiled"
(Hebrews
13:14).
One partner accepts sex as love and directs his or her love toward the
other. But anger and rejection come when love is not returned.
Resentment and bitterness often come toward the other person, as well as
blaming that one for causing you to violate your standards.
We have shared our very bodies and souls with another and when we don't
find meaning in the relationship we feel that we have been stripped of
our dignity and self worth. One reason God gives his loving commands is
so our dignity will be preserved. That dignity is the sense of nobility,
worthiness, and honor God puts in everyone. That is a concept unique to
human beings and makes us more than animals. The Bible spells out in
numerous passages the inherent dignity and value in each person. That
dignity and value comes because we are handmade by God in his image —
God's spiritual and moral image (Genesis
1:27).
If young people can understand that and realize that they are valuable
to their parents and to God, it can help them in overcoming the false
assumptions of evolution that we are mere animals and therefore must
behave like animals.
Some try to justify sexual experience before marriage as profitable to
see if the two are compatible, but studies show a greater incidence of
divorce among couples who are sexually active before marriage. Often
these first experiences are not pleasurable and leave greater emotional
scars that must be dealt with in marriage. Emotional damage almost
always comes as a result of fornication and adultery. There has been a
great increase in teenage suicide in recent years as sexual promiscuity
has increased, along with increased pregnancy, abortion and STDs.
Certainly this unrestrained life-style is one factor of the high suicide
rate.
Unequal levels of commitment is an effect that is nearly always present
in premarital sex and can bring emotional devastation. Especially for
girls and women, the sex act has a psychologically binding effect. Sex
increases the feeling of closeness to the partner. When this is not
shared, one partner is always vulnerable to rejection. "What if I don't
please him any longer?" If the boy is not as committed, the girl may
feel she is merely being used by the guy to fulfill his physical lust.
God's design for marriage brings protection against emotional suffering
and builds self esteem as we realize we are unique creatures made in the
image of our Creator. The sexual bonding as he created it in marriage is
for our good. A young person who uses self control to say no to sex
outside of marriage is building discipline and security into future
relationships, because waiting gives your mind and body time to mature.
If we do not learn to develop self-control before marriage, it makes it
easier for a lack of self-control to lead to extra-marital affairs after
marriage. Various studies have confirmed this fact.
Consider the sad case of a 31-year-old woman I talked to whose life is
filled with guilt. She began having sex at age 19. She has admitted to
having sex with five different men. She has never been married, but
would like very much to be married. When I asked her why she began
having sex, she said it was to create a bond, hoping that she would be
able to hold on to her boyfriend. I asked her, "Did it work?" "No," she
admitted. "Then why do you think it's going to work now?" She didn't
have an answer. I repeated to her the old adage, "Why should he buy the
cow when he gets the milk free?"
God teaches that our body is the dwelling place of God — described in I
Corinthians 6 as a temple of the Holy Spirit. Sexual immorality
disgraces God's temple.
RELATIONAL EFFECTS
There are relational reasons to wait for sex until marriage. For one
thing, sex hinders communication. Sex is often the easy way out to those
who have never learned to communicate intimately apart from the
physical. Efforts to really get to know the person and their likes and
dislikes are often hindered when sexual activity starts. Sex becomes the
focus, and other aspects of the relationship have no chance to develop.
And a relationship based solely on sex is in trouble, for you can spend
only so much time in bed. When we delay physical involvement till its
proper time, we allow the relationship to grow and mature. Friendship
lays the foundation for love to blossom. By obeying God's plan to wait
for sex, a couple can discover other ways to communicate that will do
much in building a healthy relationship.
There is the involuntary comparison of sex partners. This is very
harmful to both partners as they deal with mental flashbacks of earlier
sexual encounters. These can be frustrating, disturbing, and destructive
to a couple who later desire to experience God's plan for true intimacy
and love in their marriage. Minds are like computers, as all information
is stored there. Intimate sexual encounters which involve senses of
sight, sound, and touch are not easily erased. Memories are called to
mind by association. Something from within us (thoughts, feelings,
actions) or from without (through our five senses) remind us of
something similar from the past. If these earlier experiences involve
hurt, pain, mistrust, exploitation, or guilt, then permanent scars are
left which carry over into marriage. This is one reason rape and incest
are so devastating in people's lives. The most important sex organ God
gave us is the mind. When two people learn about sex together for the
first time within marriage, they are creating vivid and unforgettable
memories. These are positive memories that bind two people together in a
loving, trusting union without any interferences from the past.
There are damaged family relationships as a result of sex before
marriage. Often premarital sex is justified "Because we are getting
married anyway." But studies have shown that there are twice as many
broken engagements among those couples and those are the ones more
likely to be divorced or separated or to engage in adultery. One of the
things God protects is the trust and assurance of fidelity that a proper
sexual union brings.
There are children who come as a result of fornication and adultery.
"Safe sex" is very often not safe as a prevention of pregnancy. Then a
child is born without the proper foundation for nurturing that should be
there. The exploding violence among teens has a direct relationship to
children born out of wedlock and raised by a single parent. What God
intended as a blessing of man and woman's love brings shame,
embarrassment, and trouble.
Damaged relationship with parents also comes as a result of unlawful
sexual behavior. Godly, loving parents can forgive (and must do so), but
they will experience hurt and pain for the young people who have strayed
from the boundaries God has established.
Last, there is often disappointment and regret at lost virginity. When
we lose something we know is valuable, we feel regret. I do not know how
many young people have told me, "I wish I had waited." God's way to
protects us from that, so he reserved sex for marriage. There is no
chance of heartache later when our first sexual experience is with the
person we will spend our lives with. When we wait until the wedding
night, we have a most special gift that has been reserved for our chosen
lifelong companion. We establish a bond of trust and love that has no
equal. God's design to limit sex to marriage protects us from hurting
each other and provides the proper setting in which to express love
through sex. The story is told of a 15-year-old boy who looked and
looked for a special gift for the true love of his life. He finally
settled on a beautiful ring, and gave it to her as a token of his love.
And as usually happens at that age, in a few months there was another
"true love." Again he looked and looked, but could find nothing more
beautiful than the same ring he had given before. As you might suspect,
the same thing happened a few more times during his teen years. And then
at 22 he did find his genuine true love. He looked and looked and looked
to find a special gift for her on their wedding day. But all he could
find was the same ring, which by now had lost its special significance.
I think you get the point. There is no gift as special and sacred as the
giving of one's body. But if we give it again and again before giving it
to our marriage companion, it will have lost its sacred meaning.
Now, we have seen some of the effects of unchastity and great emotional
consequences that come with this sin. But as with all sin, God's
forgiveness is freely given as we repent. We know in his eyes there are
no big and little sins, and we know his love and power is great to help
us overcome and deal with whatever consequences may come.
We know these things intellectually, but often the problem is we are not
able to forgive self. We may feel we are "damaged goods," and can never
be worthy to make a good husband or wife, or we may be married and still
experiencing some of the guilt and emotional scars that come from
unlawful sex either before or after marriage. We may feel cheap, used,
unworthy of God's forgiveness and love.
But we must not limit God's power to forgive and the cleansing effects
of Jesus' death on the cross. His blood was poured out for all sinners —
those who crucified him as well as us. God's forgiveness never ends. We
can come to him at any time for any reason and he promises to cleanse
and make us whole again as we bring our lives into conformity with his
will.
DEALING WITH THIS SIN
Four things are necessary in dealing with this and every sin.
(1)
Admit that we have sinned and repent as Jesus commanded in Luke 13:3.
Repentance is a change of direction or course of action in our lives.
God gives us strength to leave old ways behind and start on new paths.
Our part is repentance; God's part is forgiveness.
(2) We
must accept God's forgiveness. He is willing and able and has promised
to forgive. God always keeps his promises. When we accept his
forgiveness we accept his grace and Jesus' death as sufficient payment
for our sins. If we reject God's forgiveness, we reject his grace and
consider ourselves beyond forgiveness. We say God is not almighty and
that he is unable to cope with the magnitude of what we have done. But
God forgives and doesn't keep a scorecard.
"God is faithful forgive and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (I
John 1:9).
For those who have never been baptized into Christ, this forgiveness
comes upon the confession of our faith in Christ, and our immersion in
water (baptism). The Scriptures clearly teach this in Acts 2:38;
22:16;
Romans 6:3-5,
etc. If this has already been done, and one has fallen into sin, a
confession of sin and a determination to turn from it will cause God to
hear our prayer for forgiveness (Acts
8:22;
I John 1:9).
(3)
When God forgives us, we must forgive self. If you were the only person
alive, Christ would have died for you alone. Do you really believe that?
If you were the only person alive and you sinned, as Adam and Eve did,
God would provide a Redeemer for you, just he promised Adam and Eve
(Genesis
3:15).
If Christ could love you that much, and be willing to forgive you, then
surely you can learn to forgive yourself.
In living as a Christian, we fail from time to time. Yet every day God
is waiting to forgive us. Accepting the fact that we sin doesn't mean we
should wallow in unworthiness. God wants to lift us up and set us free
from guilt. Only in that assurance can we again be useful in his
service. Jesus' death on the cross is the good news of forgiveness to
those who crucified him as well as to us who crucify him anew every time
we sin. Christ didn't come to save the righteous, but to save sinners
(Mark 2:17; Luke19:10). He isn't interested in our proving to him
how good we are. His message is forgiveness. He wipes the record clean.
Spiritually we are a virgin again in God's eyes so we must see self as
now clean, not tarnished.
(4) We
must show fruits of repentance (Matthew 3:8). If we are
repenting, we are turning, changing in actions and thoughts. If we are
single, it may mean breaking off a relationship, staying away from
certain temptation. If we are married, we may have some of the same
temptations to deal with, but we may just need to develop and exercise
self control, to "think on right things," not old sins of the past
(Philippians 4:8; Romans 12:1-2).
Next, don't let Satan deceive you into believing, "Well, I blew it, so
how can I help others?" Instead, we can use our time and influence to
help other young people avoid sexual sins. You can tell them of the bad
consequences that come better than one who has not fallen in that area.
God can use a forgiven sinner, as we all are, to help accomplish his
will in the lives of others.
Lastly, God can give us help in remolding our lives by reshaping our
mind from within. He has given us all things that pertain to life and
godliness (2 Peter 1:3). He has given us his truth (John
8:32).
He has given us the power of his Holy Spirit (Ephesians
3:20).
He has given us his people (Galatians 6:1, 2).
This material has come from our own observations in dealing with
thousands of young people through the years, as well as from material
prepared by Josh McDowell, Patsy Dawson, and others.
David and Flora Tant, Revised
04/07/97
11550 Strickland Road
Roswell,
GA
30076-1228
Jdtant3@simplychristians.org
www.simplychristians.org
Other
Articles by David Tant
Is
Baptism Essential for Salvation?
A Decision of Faith
Does it Really Matter to
God?
